You're probably more likable than you think

Picture someone you met recently. Someone you thought was pretty cool.

You had a good conversation. Laughter, jokes, a spark of connection. All that good stuff.

You liked them.

As you walked away, did you wonder whether they liked you back? And in that wondering, did you start picking yourself apart?

Back in 2018, researchers noticed a curious pattern. Our self-critique is often louder than the signals other people give us. They called this the Liking Gap.

We replay mistakes and awkward moments in our minds. The result is that we systematically underestimate our own likability.

Positive signals are there, we just don't notice them

Cues showing that others like us are there and noticeable to third-party observers. Yep, your friends, partner, or family are more likely to pick up on these cues than you are.

Whereas we tend to ignore them and instead zero in on our own perceived flaws.

The Liking Gap exists across contexts and durations

It happens when we first meet people. It happens after a relationship already exists.

The original 2018 study looked at different settings: dorm-mate interaction over the span of a year, workshops with strangers, and conversation partners. Subsequent research found the effect in various situations, including digital interactions and workplace settings.

Happens online (text, video, and audio chats), happens at work, happens in person. We can't seem to get away from this!

Starts at about the age of 5

At around 4, children were more accurate in judging how much a new friend liked them.

Then something changes within us. Ta da dum...

We gain more social self-awareness. As children learn that others form opinions about them, they start to worry more about what those opinions are.

This does not seem to get better with age.

The Liking Gap can impact our behaviour and cause us to miss out

At work, believing you are less liked can lead to pulling back, avoiding contributing, or sharing ideas.

More personally, you might avoid reaching out to people you like, limiting potentially meaningful connections.

Having an accurate perception about others' feelings towards us can help us build stronger relationships, careers, and communities.

This is not about feeling popular or admired. Because of this bias, we might be missing out on significant opportunities.

Takeaways for a happier and more connected life

Redirect attention away from the Worry Weasel. Friends, I know ignoring the inner critic is a lot easier said than done. Just awareness of it can help. Give it a name. I call it Worry Weasel. Feel free to tell it to shut up.
Take positive signs at face value
Assume neutral is good. Not smiling constantly does not mean someone dislikes you. It's unlikely for a person to broadcast every positive impression they have.
Act like people like you. You'll come across warmer and more confident. Let that become reality. ✨
Help kids focus on the positives in interactions. This bias starts waaay too early. Remind them that their peers often like them more than they might think.
Our brain's default is noise, not reality. When we process conversations, we zoom in on our own awkward moments and fail to notice positive cues. This is a cognitive bias, NOT an accurate reflection of reality.

Small note: This article is about general interactions between people, and not romantic relationships.