The no BS, science-based guide on building friendships as an adult

Why does it feel harder to make friends as an adult????

We have more responsibilities. Less time. There are fewer shared spaces where we can meet up.

Mingle in fear of rejection, burnout, global events, the economy, remote work, the pressure to be productive, and the incessant demands of life. No wonder many of us feel isolated.

This is an article of hope though. Yes that stuff impacts us, but what can we do? I'm a problem-solver by nature. Let's crack this.

There's good news. The world is more connected than before, and there are opportunities to meet people online. Oh gosh! I wrote that sentence sincerely not realizing that it sounded like a plug for RunCats. 😬

But really, the internet can help us find communities, shared interests, and people we vibe with. We can choose to keep those online, or take them in-person.

Here's something else. Friendship is not about charisma or "being good enough". It's built through time together, mutual curiosity, care, and finding "our people" — the ones who appreciate our authentic selves and match our energy.

So... what's the secret recipe?

In short, proximity, similarity, and repetition. This takes me way back to social psychology in uni!

• Time together It takes around 50 hours to become a casual friend, and over 200 to become close. Time together matters more than shared personality.

• Repetition and routine. Regular interactions build trust and comfort.

• Believing it takes effort. People who believe friendship requires action, rather than luck, tend to have more meaningful relationships.

• Proximity. Most friendships form where people naturally see each other often, think board game cafes, classes, hobbies, clubs, workout spaces, workplaces, commutes, neighborhoods.

• Shared interests. Sharing interests and values supports the initial connection, and helps shift from acquaintances to friends.

• Be curious. Follow up, ask questions.

• Start small. Friendships build sloooowly. 🐢 Genuine connection can't be rushed, it develops in its own rhythm. Aim for some time together, even 5 minutes of a feel-good, authentic interaction. Then another. And another.

The proximity bias

There's even a cognitive bias at play here. We tend to prefer things and people who are physically closer to us. Familiarity leads to liking (the mere-exposure effect).

Practical ways to start

• Pick something you enjoy. It’s easier to show up regularly if you like the thing. Bonus points if it’s social by nature, like running together, book clubs, gyms, aerial studios, classes.

• Be consistent. People need to see you multiple times to start feeling comfortable. People will like you more just by virtue of seeing you more.

• Engage. Ask a question. Follow up on something they mentioned. Be curious, not performative.

• Offer something small. “Want to grab coffee?” “I can lend you that book 📖” These are low-pressure openings. They allow the relationship to grow at a comfortable pace and with mutual interest.

• Look out for opportunities. Maybe a food fair is coming to town. A sporting event. A comedy show. You could meet new people there, or learn about related, regular events. If you have an aquaintance you're really meshing with also into that, you could go together. Even if you don't, you might see each other there or discuss it afterwards.

Taking the science to RunCats

As we are building the app, we are weaving in all of this research and knowledge. We want to give the people who are looking for friendships a place to find commonalities and set up regular interactions. Even if friendship is not a goal, having positive, affirming interactions throughout the week could be beneficial.

One last thing

Making friends takes time. We like things to happen fast. But real friendships are more like an oak tree that starts from a tiny seed and grows slowly, year after year. 🌳 Just keep showing up, keep building trust and connection. Give the friendship time to flourish.